It’s a rainy, dreary day in Nashville Tennessee, a day at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital, a day like all the other days for the past two weeks; a day in the PICU. I’m watching my husband comfort our 15 year old son Lucas, who recently endured his third surgery and now Ryan, his dad, is hunched over the hospital bed, hunched over the pic line, the tubes, and the oxygen pumps, hunched over in the midst of many skilled hands, hunched over with one objective in mind: to bring Lucas a degree of comfort in his time of distress.
Lucas had a stroke in utero and was born with hydrocephalus. He underwent surgery at three days old and continues to exceed all expectations. He has profound special needs, such as being primarily non-verbal, incontinent, and requires constant assistance, but he has remained extremely healthy for 14 years—until December 2019. Now, complications and infections have led to numerous hospital stays which is a difficult reality for our blended family of ten.
You see, this ain’t our first rodeo with hard times or ICU visits. In 2010 Ryan and I lost our spouses to cancer, and when we met and later fell in love, I was a mom to four young children, including 5 year old Lucas, and he had three kids. We married in 2011 and adopted all seven in 2013. Yes, Ryan is Lucas’s adopted dad.
Blending the two families brought numerous challenges such as: grief, different parenting styles, traditions, and insecurities, to name a few, and adding Lucas’s unique needs only intensified the situation. From the onset of our relationship, Ryan embraced and accepted him. He asked questions when he didn’t understand or tried to decipher what was needed in times of confusion, and it’s been Ryan who has primarily stayed beside him during his hospitalization, refusing to leave because his son might need his comforting touch.
Through our nine years together, Ryan and I have learned a few important skills—life hacks, some might say—while navigating the complicated terrain of special needs parenting in a blended family. Here are seven practical ways we’ve been able to make it a successful endeavor (most the time):
