There are days I don’t know what to pray. This whole thing is so much bigger, scarier, than I ever could have imagined. I don’t even know which way I want it go. This is bigger than me.
I’ve always had a pretty good handle on medical terms. And special needs was something we finally felt comfortable in. Nothing we dealt with was too emergent. I had time to research, ask, or Google!, to my heart’s content. But this is bigger.
I’m in deep now. Things are coming at me fast. Critical care isn’t my wheelhouse. I’m a thinker. I mull things over. (Yeah, yeah, maybe I tend to Dwell.) I don’t have a trigger-finger when it comes to making big decisions. (My mouth got the trigger-finger, not my brain.) But intensive care is … intense.
I’m in a place where I can’t rely on me anymore. I can’t even completely rely on the intelligent people God has placed around me. Oh, believe me, big important people think they know all the stuff going in. But, my guy has proven them wrong time and again these days. This is so much bigger than them.
When I see the smartest of the smart come through my son’s room and admit, “I don’t know,” It’s humbling. So big.
